I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize