I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize