I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
