2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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