Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
