So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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