i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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