When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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