Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
