So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
