I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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