Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
