She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
