She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
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