Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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