tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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