I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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