Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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