If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
