dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
