Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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