The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
