Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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