I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
