if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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