Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Randomize