haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize