We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
