i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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