just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
you had me at cake vodka
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
