Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
