Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
