FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
