Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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