Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
