how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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