Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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