Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
