I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
