he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
