we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
