I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
