if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
