What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
