Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
