You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
