I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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