I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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