Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
did i walk over a car last night?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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