Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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