There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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