Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
