The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You have to summon your inner elephant
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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