My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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