I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just cut my nipple shaving
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
