turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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