lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
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