Just fell off a train. Bad.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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