can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize