I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
