I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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