it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
